VR HUMILIATED

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First search term: My first time BDSM. Quite a lot of what the net spits out. And now that Ive looked at the first four links, I quickly realize that I cant identify with any of the articles. I dont like hard pain or humiliation. Submission and a little spanking in all honors, but humiliation goes too far for me. Where is the difference, asks my friend. Hes sitting next to me right now while Im researching this sensitive subject. If I allow you to tie my arms tight to take me hard, I submit at that moment. If you were to call me a dirty whore and then spit in my mouth, it would be humiliation, I tell him. He looks at me distraught and I notice immediately that he is not a friend of humiliation either. Thank God. Second search term: BDSM. This is a collective name and stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. Half an hour later I learned that pain and humiliation, as well as varnish, leather and balls in the mouth, are only a small part of BDSM. Bondage & Discipline stand for bondage and discipline. Doesnt necessarily have to happen together, but often does. I must honestly admit that I have never been tied before. The highest of feelings was that someone had held my arms over my head. And that I found horny, very horny! I think it was because I was forced to let myself fall or go. There was nothing I could do except enjoy what my partner had done. I could simply give up my control at the cloakroom and concentrate on enjoying. Dominance & Submission stands for domination and submission, an unequal balance of power between two partners, which is consciously and deliberately aspired to by both. I find that really exciting! And here it is: the first BDSM fantasy. I imagine how I have to serve my master in a maid outfit. I follow his instructions and must be available to him for various services. From household chores to love services. Of course I am punished with a few blows with the flat hand on my ass, if I do not do my work well enough. And just as rewarded if I have done something particularly well. Can you imagine that, I ask my friend. He grins. Basically yes, but Im not a friend of posed situations and somehow it feels strange when Im supposed to give you instructions all of a sudden. I mean, hold or tie your arms so you cant fight back to take yourself hard - mega! But putting you on my lap so I can punish you for being a bad girl seems artificial. Spanking your ass doesnt seem quite kosher to him yet. Hmm. Still my plan hangs in too many places for me to want to put it into action. There is a difference between fantasy and reality. I continue my research. Third search term: BDSM for beginners. Here I get at least a few concrete suggestions, what one can do as a Rookie with his partner. I can even imagine many of them. Somehow I notice how washy I am all at once. Maybe there is a BDSM goddess slumbering in me after all.

Start small with BDSM

In the beginning you are advised to start small, e.g. to easily tie up your arms or to give your partner a clear command like Take off your clothes or Kneel down. I can do that! No problem. Hook it! The only question is whether my friend can do it. I can imagine that this could cost him a little overcoming, because he is not necessarily the super dominant type. Macho already, here and there, but not the type of the orders gives. Another hour later I now have so much input that I am totally confused. Its advised to be aware of your inclinations and desires. The subject should clearly tell the dominant what he likes, what he can endure and what is not possible ... but if you have no idea? I actually believe that this is the most difficult part of the whole story: to realize what you stand on and then talk openly about it with your partner. In the course of my research I noticed that the most important thing for most people is that such things happen naturally. But what many people dont realize is that BDSM cant and shouldnt develop naturally, it would even be dangerous... Imagine your partner pulling out the whip without warning and starting to spike at you. Terrible! Who wants that?! You just have to exchange ideas and in the best case you start to get horny about the conversations at some point. It can be quite turning-on if your partner describes to you in advance exactly what he will do with you. Since I have been working on this article, I try to involve my friend again and again. On the one hand I want to know how he thinks about BDSM as a man and on the other hand what he might imagine for both of us in the future. Im pretty glad that we can talk so openly about everything and that he doesnt storm out of the room as soon as I ask him questions about such sensitive topics as this. Well, if he wasnt, he probably wouldnt be my boyfriend, but I have to think of many couples out there who have been together for years and who dont have certain needs until later. And for someone who cant be so open about sex, its probably very difficult to talk about it openly. Its certainly easier for me: I just put it on the column! However, I still have to think about how to get the curve from my column to our bed.

BDSM is more than paint, leather, latex

Its not that easy! There is simply so much attached to the topic: wishes, needs, trust, communication. The fact is that after my research marathon I was really a little shocked and deterred. Of course, after all, this is not a topic that is discussed day after day at the breakfast table. And somehow everyone I talk to about it has a certain clichéd image in mind when it comes to BDSM. Ive done the same so far, but Ive learned that BDSM is more than paint, leather and pain. Even without physical pain, it can be at least as intense an experience for both, even if its just a matter of subjecting ones counterpart psychologically. I have at least a vague idea of what I might find attractive and exciting. Probably I should let the subject sink and masturbate over it a few times to become clear about my fantasies.

Humiliation in virtual reality

Said, done. A few days later the decision is made: I will write a love BDSM letter to my friend and send him a BDSM contract. Personally, I think its great to get a love letter in an old-fashioned way (just happened once in my life), so I thought Id just wrap my fantasy up in an erotic story that revolves around us both. The contract then makes for a laugh afterwards, so it doesnt get too stiff. Then we can fill it out together afterwards. So, enough theory. Now its time for practice! Find out more in the next column.